I feel intimidated by the telescreens as of now, but I hope that will change. They cannot keep me in fear my whole life. In fact, forget the telescreens. I have nothing to lose any longer; if I am caught and sentenced to a work camp, so be it. The telescreens have too ruined much of my life already to continue to suffer. The morning workouts are painful on my weak body. The ulcer on my ankle, along with my seemingly forever drowsiness, makes every exercise ten times more excruciating. The hours at work are too long and too demanding. I am not fed adequately enough to handle the work they insist I must complete. Even if they increase the rations, as they "claim" to be doing, the food is overly disgusting to contemplate consuming for than a pod of it. Plus, how can I eat knowing I am being watched? No, not necessarily by the telescreens, but by that wretched dark-haired women.
Who does she think she is? Under what pretense can she follow me, can she be beautiful and deny men sex? I can tell she is one of them, one of the spies that spend so much of their pitiful lives ratting out others on guess, without any evidence of wrong doing. It fits that she works in the Fiction Department at the Ministry since she needs to be good at telling lies. But then again, every important member in the Party is required to lie; even I have to for work, as much as it pains me. I can't say for certain that they are lying about everything that happened in the past, but I fear that is the problem. The Party is brainwashing us, even the children; we will believe what they tell us, even if it means forgetting something they said yesterday. They could say two plus two is equal to five, and we would believe them. It doesn't mean we believe them because we want to or because we know what they say is true, it is because we don't want to vanish.
If anyone understands where I am coming from, it would have to be O' Brien. It may just be a hunch, but I feel a connection between us. The moment our eyes met during the Hate and the dream I had, they are both signs we want change. I believe O' Brien has the experience with those in the high parts of the Party to truly see the corruption. He feels the same I do, he fears the same I do, and he is tentative as am I. I hope we do meet out of the darkness, but that's all I can do--Hope.
I will say it once now and a million times more, If there is hope, it lies in the proles. It is intriguing that such mindless, such poor people can have the power equivalent to none other. Well, none other than maybe Big Brother. The poor fellows in the proles have no idea how easily they could change the world. They are essentially free; they do not deal with telescreens, nor do they work hours on end to protect Big Brother's integrity. They are only responsible for being and praising, and it does not even have to be done consciously. Is it odd that I envy their existence? I do not think so. They have happiness, they have ignorance, they have strength. The Party's own slogan will cause their demise one day, I know. Someone will rebel, and they will succeed because they will be too stupid to feel intimidated. I applaud that person, whomever he or she shall be.
This Party will fall, at least I wish. Of course, it will not be before people like Syme or Mr. Charrington or even I will be long gone. Syme, such an intelligent man. He could do great things if the Party did not see him as a threat. He has the repertoire of knowledge to rule this empire once Big Brother is gone, but that is the problem; he could easily do so. Mr. Charrington is one of the last good-hearted comrades around. He is simply too kind. Before he knows it, he will be whisked away because he contains too much spirit. As for I, I will be convicted of thoughtcrime and thrown away with all of the others. Big Brother will see that change will come from where he least expected. But until then, it lies in the proles.
