Part III-Section VI

I love Big Brother. I am content with my Victory Gin and my spot in the cafe. The people there are nice and know not to bother me. I did not want Oceania to lose the war as Eurasia moved into Africa. I saw all of the possibilities just as I saw the daily chess problem. There were not two opposing armies coming into conflict, rather arrows clashing. Although I knew that our naval force would prevent oncoming troops from advancing any further, I felt worried for a mere second. I thought about the possibility of a changed society, but dismissed it almost immediately. It was foolish to think the great Oceania could be defeated. I sure hope Big Brother stays in power. He has allowed me a new job that I find more enjoyable than the last. I am able to spend free time thinking for a positive reason. And of course, I always get my Victory Gin.

Part III-Section V

For months I wondered what room one-oh-one was, and why people seemed to shrivel up at its mention. No longer do I question their fear as I too never want to hear of it again. They could have put a gun to my head or killed Julia in front of me, anything but those rats. I did not believe they could scare a person so much they betray the person they love on the deepest level imaginable. I felt helpless as I sat in the chair against my will. The presence of the rats weakened me to a state of immaturity. When the cage moved closer, all I could think about was what they wanted from me. I would do anything to save myself then. Unfortunately, I had to endanger another person. Such a selfish act; it seems that I am always thinking of myself and it never ends well.

Part III-Section IV

I have began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My isolated cell is not as dark or lonely anymore. The guards are not as scary either. My body is feeling stronger now thanks to a regular meal schedule and small exercise. I could not stand how weak and insignificant I looked a month ago. Although my body is stronger, my mind still remains insane. No matter how hard nor how long I contemplate and absorb all that O' Brien has told me in our sessions, I can not wrap my finger around believing their lies. Deep down, I know what the Party says is made up, but is anything really true anymore. I can and will accept what they tell me, but I cannot make myself believe it. O' Brien says I have made progress, but further steps are required to make me a true Party member. Soon, I will finally find out what room 101 is. I do not care if they kill me, nor do I care if they let me go. All I hope is that O' Brien does what he needs to do to me quick. I would think of Julia more right now, but how can I? She betrayed me almost instantly...

Part III-Section III

The sessions of torture seem to be perpetual. I am grateful the dial is not used every session and rarely used at a high intensity. Yet, this progress is a sign that I am becoming one of them--a brainwashed zombie who has no real idea of reality. I do not constantly think of Julia, but small things remind me of her every so often. I may have confessed all of our wrong doings and jeopardized her life, but I will die, if I ever die, knowing that I never betrayed her. I still, and always will love her. I do hope the slightest bit that I can escape and we can run away together once more, but strongly doubt the possibility under control of the Party. I understand more of what the Party's motives are but still do not condone them. They may make the people believe that Big Brother cares, but they know that they are lying. O' Brien continues to confuse me. He tortures me physically and mentally, but I still love him. I still feel the connection that I felt with him before my arrest, perhaps a stronger connection now. I feel like he is my protector; he wants the best for me. Yet, if he did what was best for me, he would have shot me already.

Part III-Section II

I should have known better. Of course O' Brien is still one of them, those Inner Party scoundrels. There is not much to say, and even if I wanted to say more, I could not. The guards have beaten me mercilessly for the past several days, weeks, or even months. I have no idea how long I have been where-ever I am right now. My body aches like it is being kicked constantly buy a steel boot. My mind hurts from the torture O' Brien, alongside the man in the white coat with a dial, have inflicted on my. I do not want to believe what he says; deep down, I know that it is fake and wrong. But I also do not want to suffer anymore. I strongly desire to be put out of my misery here and now. Why must they strain on this pain and not just shoot me here and now? Of what importance am I to them now that I do not even exist? If only I had not been a fool to begin with, I might be at work still challenging my mind with some story. But, I cannot say I regret my thoughts, for something must be done to end what I am the victim of now.

Part III-Section I

I have no idea where I am, what time it is, or what troubles lie ahead of me. All I know is that I am terrified and extremely hungry. I haven't eaten in what may possible be 72 hours. It is difficult to think much in this cold, damp, bright cell. My mind is constantly annoyed by the sharp pain of the narrow benches and rancid odor from the lavatory, still defective after Parsons used it. I miss the other prisoners who were with me a mere few hours before. They allowed my mind to think other thoughts than the inevitable. Rarely do I think about Julia. For all I know, she could be in the room next to me or on a ship 50 miles away. She could also be experiencing pain hundreds of times more severe than me at the moment. I should not let my mind think this way. Oh my! At the door, the guards are leading O' Brien into the cell. I must go, for I have much I must learn. It seems we are meeting out of the darkness after all; I didn't picture it to be like this though. Maybe he has the razor. I can only hope to what is to come.

Part II-Section X

That ******* traitor! Forgive me for the language. Mr. Charrington ratted Julia and me out to the thought police. As I write this, I am in the back of a moving military truck, with stuffy air and no light. I am pissed as hell right now, pissed at Mr. Charrington, pissed at Big Brother, and pissed at myself. I am utterly disappointed that I let my guard down and the small moments I was defenseless, I let someone take advantage of me. I feel heavily guilty that I also brought Julia into this mess. Now all I can do is hope I am not killed or can escape some way. Currently, I am no smarter than a prole. If I were actually intelligent, I would not have been caught for being a part of the Brotherhood before I was officially in it. For the first time since my childhood, I am scared of what is about to happen to me, and more importantly, what is about to happen to my relationship with Julia. Fingers crossed.

Part II-Section IX

It was to be expected that our enemy of war would change eventually, but even knowing it would happen still wasn't enough for me to prepare for the complete ignorance nearly every one of my comrades showed following the government's statement. I am frustrated that people basically forgot Oceania was ever at war with Eurasia, even though it was happening up until a few days ago. Yet, I do not blame them for their blindness; Big Brother is to blame. His ideas and contradictory slogans create the stupidity that annoy me so much. At least the change of enemy put enough work on my desk to keep my mind from rebellion and my hate toward Big Brother in general. As for the book, I finally got it during one of the rallies for Hate Week. I was not able to peek at it for six days because of work and other priorities; the wait increased my anticipation to maybe, just maybe, get some answers. I was not disappointed the least bit after reading some of the book. Although it did not tell me much new, it organized my jumbled thoughts in a way I understood for the first time since I even began despising the Party. I hope I get the chance to start work with the Brotherhood soon. Change is waiting for me.

Part II-Section VIII

It is all true! It is all true! O' Brien wants change as do I and the Brotherhood exists. I feel so excited for what is about to follow. As I stood and listened intently to O' Brien in his luscious home, I felt no fear. I felt that I was no longer a loaner nor an outcast, I felt that I had a place in this society. Of course, my place in society was to change society, but that doesn't matter as of now. For the first time since my meeting with Julia in the country, I felt safe and secure in O' Brien's home. The lack of the telescreen was a godsend. Not all is perfect however. I am fearful of losing Julia once we begin working as part of the Brotherhood. I do not want to lose her for a rebellion which I am certain will never change my own life. But then again, something needs to be done. I do not want to wait the rest of my life wondering what if, while feeling complete hatred of my life. I want equality, the equality the Inner Party members have even if it means death. Julia and I will work things out, I hope. Even if we never see each other again, surely, it will not be any different than the future we have ahead of us now. I know in the back of my mind that we can never end up together, so why would I give up my passion to change society and defeat Big Brother once and for all? I feel ready to make a difference and excited to enter the realms of the Brotherhood. Soon, there will be color in the world and equality for all.

Part II-Section VII

Ah! The memories... why must they come back to haunt me? These nightmares must have meaning, but I cannot figure it out quite yet. All of them revolve around not having something or another. I feel overwhelmingly guilty that I took the chocolate from my sister when I was young. It was not right for me to do what I did, especially with her being so young and ill. But the chocolate doesn't bother me as much as knowing I could have been taken away too. I would have much rather been "vaporized" along with my mother, as I look back at it now. Had I known that society would come to a standstill and cause me as much pain as it does now, I would have ran into the truck to take us away. Yet, why did I stay? Why did they take my family and leave me? The numbers do not add up, just as two plus two do not equal five. I am grateful I have Julia to talk to, even though she gives me limited help. These dreams mean something, and I strongly believe they will be the key to unlock what I am searching for amidst all of this rebellion I want. Yet, most of all, I want to uncover the bin the past has been hidden in for all my life. I fear this will never happen, and I will die not knowing why taking chocolate saved my life and cost my innocent family theirs. This cannot happen, I will not let it.

Part II-Section VI

It happened at last. Finally, I got the confirmation I have been looking for confirming O' Brien as a rebel. When I first ran into him, I was unusually nervous. His large stature combined with his Inner Party status was intimidating. Knowing I was either about to make a fool of myself and end up dead or have the chance to make a difference was almost too much for my weakened heart to bear. Although I still cannot be certain entirely of O' Brien's rebellious nature due to the lack of detail we shared at the meeting, at least I know I am one step closer to change. If this conspiracy is real, maybe much more is true. Maybe O' Brien and I will meet out of the darkness one day. I can only hope that rebellion is near, and I will no longer deal with this wretchedly corrupt society. I feel extremely anxious for our next meeting, for it will the time I finally know for certain if I might as well end my life. Big Brother is too much to take any longer. The long hours, the lack of Julia, the lack of privacy, the lack of individualism, the lack of everything--all perfectly logical reasons to tear down this untruthful empire that was built based on cheating and shaky moral grounds.

Part II-Section V

Syme was vaporized just as I predicted. It is truly sad that such an intelligent man with such opportunity to succeed had to vanish. Although I never saw him as a close friend, I will admit I feel slightly guilty for letting him continue behavior, as well as remorseful because he was decent enough to give me company. Life will go on though. I am increasingly grateful my feet took me to the antique shop that one night. The room above Mr. Charrington's shop has been a tremendous help for my relationship with Julia. The privacy has allowed us to be more open with each other and let out our hatred toward the Party. However, the privacy unfortunately allowed Julia to unconsciously show me how little she actually knew about the truth of the Party. I never knew how vulnerable she was; hearing stories of her believing the Party invented airplanes among other things, were almost unbearable to hear. I lost some respect I had for her as she told me all of this, but not the love. All that matters to me is that she doesn't like the Party and nor to I. One day, I hope we will live in a house together and she knows the truth of the past. I think if I ever get the chance to change the Party, my first priority will be teaching the past truthfully. Down with Big Brother and down with the lies.

Part II-Section IV

Of course, nothing ever decides in my favor. It may seem odd, but I am feel overly angry at nature as of now. It may be selfish, but I have some unnatural idea that I am being cheated when Julia cannot come for a rendezvous, either because of the extra work the Party has assigned in preparation of Hate Week or the natural, once a month, interruption. I can't stand to be away from her; the connection we have has developed to much more than I ever had with Katherine, even when taking the time span into consideration. I hope we can spend more time with one another soon, even if it means taking the long journey out to the Golden Country.

I felt considerably more cheated as Julia walked in with a plethora of rare goods, only found in the Inner Party or in small amounts on the black market. As she pulled the coffee, the sugar, and the makeup out, my mind blew up in anger. All of the goods were reminders of how terrible lives we, the working class, have it, while the Inner Party lives a life of luxury. The cosmetics brought the most agony. Seeing Julia in the makeup was like seeing what I can basically never have, or even see. The society I live in is a dull, colorless and painful everyday experience. One day, all people will have the same rights and the same possessions. I hope that day comes soon.

Part II-Section III

That was amazing. I still cannot believe Julia and I are in a full fledged relationship. For once, I feel like I have a reason to continue to live. The ability to share my hopes, my desires, my thoughts has been the most helpful out of all, even though the sex is certainly pleasurable and diverting. Yet, at this time that I feel more alive than ever, I also feel frightened of the future. I am constantly questioning the relationship. Any personal gain from it is out of the question. Technically, I am still married. Damn this cursed system. I want to spend all of my time with Julia, but it has been increasingly difficult to even get the moment alone here and there. I am physically and mentally exhausted by the preparations for Hate Week. As I sit in the cubicle for the extra hours, I can only think out how much I despise Big Brother and his attempts at growing stronger.

After hearing numerous stories of Julia's past, I feel even more enraged at the Party. It is utterly disgusting to hear that the Party introduces their close-minded morals concerning sex, prisoners, and many other issues, to children for many years. Of course, they do it repeatedly; thus they deprive children of the ability to think for themselves, to make their own decisions on the morality behind certain subjects, and continue to bring ignorant and blind-eyed people into a world of corruption. I have felt anxious and antsy as of late; the Party's stance on sex has been troublesome and interfering. I hope that one day, Julia and I can live in privacy without any of these concerns for privacy and other corruption. The more and more I think about the horrendous situation at hand in our society, the more of a desire I have for change. Too bad I will never be able to see any of it in my lifetime, or so I think.

Part II-Section II

I awoke that Sunday morning eager for the day that awaited. Most of the fear I had of being caught either vanished or was masked by my lust for the dark-haired women. I no longer saw her as a figure to loathe, to want to kill. I was compelled by her seemingly contradictory personality; the mix of authority and fear was a concept new to me. I needed to know more.

As I traveled into the country, to the spot she instructed me to travel to under her precise directions, I thought of what I would say, what I would do. I wanted to please her in every way possible, but also maintain this relationship. The last thing I wanted was to act in the wrong manner and end up in a work camp because she wanted revenge and decided to rat me out to the inner party. In the back of my mind, I thought of the Party, brought on by the great lengths I was going through to see this women. I thought of the mikes they had, the handcuffs of freedom I called them. Yet, I turned this fear of the Party into passion, passion for rebellion and the downfall of the Party. The detours I took reminded me of all the things the Party stood for, so I continued on following the dark-haired lady's directions, tired of glancing back in fear.

When I finally met her directly, and we stared face to face, I felt elated. It was a turning point in our relationship, as well as my hatred of the Party. In the light, she was even more beautiful than I ever pictured. There was a certain innocent, but also disobedient, aroma she gave off. I felt increasingly attracted to her as the day continued. When I learned she despised the Party, as I do, I knew I was safe. I knew I finally found the person I can express all of the hate and disgust I have bottled up for so long. I didn't feel like such an outcast any longer. The whole Anti-sex league was a cover up, I found out, that Julia, that's her name by the way, used to hide her own disgust of the Party and prevent arrest. She had had sex before, many times actually. Odd enough, I felt turned on knowing this. No longer was she the evil women in the other department, but the rebellious, bad girl who wanted change.

The encounter reminded of all the Party's values I hate so much. As each day passes, and as I meet more people, I feel like something life-changing is about to take place. Down with Big Brother. Down with the Party.

Part II-Section I

Who does she think she is? Under what pretense is she allowed to act like a spy or a member of the thought police, and actually love me? The dark-haired lady seems to become more mysterious each time I see her. The moment she slipped me the note in the hallway was the moment I couldn't resist finding out more about her. It seemed nearly impossible to get near her, let alone talk to her to find out anything more. I waited for my chance for many lunches, hoping to catch her alone and away from the telescreen. Any other way would not be suitable. The risk of even feeling attached to her was tremendous already; to directly meet with her in an open place was basically death. If it weren't for the Party's strict rules, I wouldn't have felt so scared and might have already been married.

My heart was beating the fastest it has ever built the lunch I finally got the chance to talk with her. There was so much I wanted to say, but knew I had to hold back for the time being. At the moment, I still didn't know enough to consider risking my life for what possibly may be a trap. But, when she spoke for the first time, any underlying tentativeness I had was no longer. Something about the way she spoke, the quick precise diction signaled she wasn't a threat to me anymore. My confidence she truly loved me was reinstated, so I continued to follow her directions; I was still too worried to suggest anything myself.

We met again in the crowd at Victory Square; it was the ideal place to continue our grated relationship. My previous thoughts of her not actually loving me and her working as an agent for the Inner Party returned momentarily until I finally saw her in the crowd. She looked beautiful, even more with the contrast of the grayness and complete coldness all around. From then on, all I could think about was how lovely she looked and how mysterious a personality she possessed. I look forward to our next encounter in the countryside. It will be the first chance we can talk without fear, and I will make sure to take full advantage of it.