Part III-Section III

The sessions of torture seem to be perpetual. I am grateful the dial is not used every session and rarely used at a high intensity. Yet, this progress is a sign that I am becoming one of them--a brainwashed zombie who has no real idea of reality. I do not constantly think of Julia, but small things remind me of her every so often. I may have confessed all of our wrong doings and jeopardized her life, but I will die, if I ever die, knowing that I never betrayed her. I still, and always will love her. I do hope the slightest bit that I can escape and we can run away together once more, but strongly doubt the possibility under control of the Party. I understand more of what the Party's motives are but still do not condone them. They may make the people believe that Big Brother cares, but they know that they are lying. O' Brien continues to confuse me. He tortures me physically and mentally, but I still love him. I still feel the connection that I felt with him before my arrest, perhaps a stronger connection now. I feel like he is my protector; he wants the best for me. Yet, if he did what was best for me, he would have shot me already.